Last week, I was at a men’s group and the primary topic for conversation was the concept of “integrity”. I was both impressed and encouraged at the vulnerability of each member as they spoke about their problems with keeping their promises to themselves, their partners, their families and friends. 

But, I was also taken aback at the shame and guilt they leveled on themselves for their past transgressions. 

They spoke in absolutes…like that lie they told makes them a bad person. Or that time they hid their addiction makes them beholden to a lifelong “scarlet letter” A for addict. 

Following the session, one young man in particular sought me out for my advice as some of the questions I had asked him made him think differently about his situation. 

Below is a paraphrase of my advice to him:

It is OK to make mistakes. In fact, it is expected. We are all humans. We are imperfect and we are living in a world that tempts us to lie, deceive, mislead, and misrepresent ourselves every day. 

No matter how much we try, we will continue to make mistakes in our life and learn lessons from them (or not). We will continue to behave against our better nature. 

But it isn’t the mistake that defines our character. It is what we choose to do with the mistake. 

Do we continue to run and hide from it, pushing it down hoping that it goes away or do we confront our behavior and try to make it right, with ourselves and others?

Messes can’t be totally avoided, but they can be cleaned up. 

Whether it is in a relationship with a family member or a client, a friend or a coworker….love yourself enough to confront your mistakes and not permanently judge yourself from them. 

Just recognize the mistake you made, own up to it (in whatever way is appropriate) and make a commitment to do everything in your power to avoid it in the future. 

And then get on with your life. 

But, if you don’t, it will continue to nag at you like the messy room, the sink full of dishes, or the pile of laundry that needs cleaning. 

Your character is not defined by your mistakes, but I would argue that it is mostly defined by what you do about them. 

Be the first to admit when you have acted out of alignment. Make a commitment to be better in the future. And when you eventually mess up again, show yourself grace and compassion…and then clean up your mess again. 

If you do this consistently and courageously, you will be amazed at how much fewer mistakes you make in the future.